Harvey Birdman: Trial of the Maquis
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: When the former Maquis are tried for crimes against the Federation, Harvey Birdman agrees to defend Janeway's crew in court! Myron Reducto, meanwhile, plays the devil's advocate.
1. I'll Take The Case!

A/N: I do not own "Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law," nor do I own "Star Trek: Voyager."

This story was written several years ago. At some point in time, I accidently deleted it from Fan . I'm now reposting it, with some editing updates.

* * *

Harvey Birdman sat at his desk, shifting through old documents. Anything no longer necessary he handed absentmindedly to his purple hawk sidekick, Avenger, who took it in his beak and plunged it into the shredder. Aside from his pointed mask and enormous white wings, Birdman was dressed like a typical lawyer, in a boring gray suit.

"Let's see here….Secret Squirrel's testimony against flashing people with his trench coat….well that one turned out to be a lie…here you go Avenger."

Harvey said it in a casual, cheerful tone, as usual. Most of his clients turned out to be guilty, and he lost most of his cases; but that never put a dent in Harvey's good attitude. Even being run over by a bus, and temporarily killed not too long ago, even that hadn't stopped Harvey's positive attitude towards life.

As the bird was shredding the document, there came a knock at the wooden door.

"Come in!" the former super hero called, in a friendly manner.

The door didn't open.

Harvey cleared his throat, and spoke louder. "Uh, come in."

A rhaspy woman's voice answered, "The door's not opening, I think you might was to get an engineer down here,"

Confused, Harvey left his desk and pulled open the door. Captain Janeway gazed from Harvey to the door, her face showing amused surprise. "Oh, a doorknob! How primitive!"

"Uh…thank you."

Avenger looked equally baffled, but they got eccentric clients all the time. Clients who almost always turned out to be criminals, mentally deranged, or both. And Captain Janeway looked like no exception. But Harvey didn't give up easily; his job was to defend justice, even if it meant losing a case. Even if it meant rescuing a city from two giant monsters and just barely surviving, only to be mowed down by a bus five seconds later. But there was no time for bad memories now.

"Sit down Captain." He offered her a chair opposite his desk. "Would you like some coffee?"

With one claw, Avenger offered a tray holding two paper cups and a tall jug.

"COFFEE!"

Harvey and Avenger stared, bemused, as Janeway seized the jug of coffee and chugged it down.

While the crazed captain guzzled the coffee, the door creaked opened. Peaking through was a hippopotamus, dressed in a suit. This was Harvey's coworker, Peter Potemus. In his cheerful New York voice, Peter asked, "Hey Harvey, did ya get that thing I sent ya-_Hummana hummana hummana_!" he eyed up Janeway, with the same childlike glee that the captain herself often wore when looking at coffee. Peter Potomus was the company's equivalent of Captian Kirk or Commander Riker. Peter pushed the door opened all the way, and leaned casually against the frame. "Hey there," he said, in his coolest voice.

Before Potamus could dish out a lame pickup line, Janeway finished the coffee, and tossed the empty metal jug behind her. It clonked loudly on the hippo's skull. He was knocked backwards into the hallway, unconscious, and the door slammed behind him.

"Sooo" Birdman drummed a pencil on his desk.

"Ah yes, my case." Janeway straitened her uniform. "_Our_ case, I should say. My crew is on trial. You see, seven years ago, a war broke out between the United Federation of Planet and the Cardassian Empire…"

She went on to describe the war, the Maquis uprising, and all of Voyager's adventured in the Delta Quadrant. Harvey didn't understand a word of it. Outside the window, the sun rose and set exactly eight times while she blabbed. When she was finished, Avenger was snoring on his perch, and Harvey's young sidekick Peanut was in the room. (Peanut was like a miniature version of Harvey, wearing a casual pink sweater and metal wings). While the captain droned and his boss snored, Peanut was doodling a mustache on the small portrait of his and Harvey's one-eyed boss, Phil Seban, which sat on the desk.

"…And now my first officer, my chief engineer, and a third of my crew are being tried for treason and could face decades in prison unless you can help us, Birdman!" Janeway finished dramatically.

"Well, I didn't understand a word of anything you just told me, _but_..." Harvey slammed the little portrait of his one-eyed boss down on the desk dramatically, unknowingly crushing Peanut's hand under it. "I'll take the case!"


	2. Roll The Tape

I do not own "Harvey Birdman" or "Star Trek: Voyager."

* * *

The courtroom was almost full. Janeway and a third of her crew, all still in Starfleet uniforms (except Lt. Tom Paris, in a Captain Proton T-shirt) sat at the front. The half-Klingon engineer B'Elanna Torres held her newborn daughter; her husband Tom Paris held a Game Boy, which Peanut was trying to teach him how to play. The baby blew a raspberries.

"Where's the judge?" B'Elanna asked impatiently.

On cue, the double doors burst open and a green man, who looked like a cross between a genie, a Romulan, and a comedic super villain, floated in. He waved his hands with malevolence while putting on a tune that was supposed to sound eerie and supernatural. When he reached the judges stand however, he dropped the dramatics, and slumped into his chair (actually, a few inches above it, still floating), with a bored expression.

"Okay, let's get this thing over with. Mentok the Mindtaker." He gestured to himself casually, with this brain-tipped hammer. "Don't bother trying to lie under oath, _cuz I'll know_!" and again with the music and the hand motions.

Janeway's crew stared at the green judge, unimpressed.

"Oookay, someone go first." The judge banged his brain-hammer lazily. "I don't care. YOU!" with his hammer he pointed to the back of the room, at Myron Reducto. Reducto, a short green man with a large alien-like head and pointed ears, was another lawyer, Harvey's arch competitor.

"Very well!" Reducto brandished his shrink ray gun threateningly. "I call to the stand my first witness!"

A moment later Captain Picard sat at the witness stand, sipping his Earl Gray tea. "The Maquis are traitors to the federation! They raided Starfleet ships, seduced alien women,"

"Not all of us! That was just Chakotay!" Crewmen Chell protested. The commander smacked Chell on the back of his blue head.

Picard continued. "They corrupted the Enterprise's own Ensign Schmo…"

"Ensign Ro," Chakotay corrected him.

"…and on one occasion, mooned a ship that was carrying young children!" When Picard said this, Tom Paris snickered. The bald captain raised an eyebrow at Paris, but continued. "These rogues deserve nothing better than a lifetime behind a force-field with Wesley Crusher!"

The courtroom gasped.

"Thank you, Captain Limmy, you're excused." Mentok's brain hammer squeaked against the desk once more. "Birdman, your turn!"

Harvey cleared his throat. "Well before I say anything else, I think—"

Janeway stood up and exclaimed, "Wesley Crusher is cruel and unusual punishment! In case you haven't noticed, my Chief Engineer has a BABY for goodness sake! Where's your humanity, your compassion?"

"Exactly what I was going to point out." Harvey paced in front of the jury. "Ladies and Gentlemen and…um…" Harvey wasn't sure how to finish this introduction, for the jury included not only human men and women, but also Vulcans , Klingons, Ferangi, Neelix (smiling like an imbecile), Data's disembodied head, and the giant asteroid slug from _The Empire Strikes Back_. "…um…anyway. I ask you all to take into consideration the _seven years _this crew spent lost on the other side of the galaxy, cut off from their families, friends, and annoying co-workers," Potamus sniffed and dabbed his eyes with a tissue, as Harvey went on, "Are these people criminals? Did they break the law? Yes, they did. But they have also far more than paid for it, serving three years short of a decade lost in space, helping Starfleet officers battle off hostile aliens, including…" Harvey grabbed the judge's desk and looked the unmoved mind taker in the eye, "the Borg! Species 8472! Reptilian aliens in Nazi garb! The Maquis members of Captian Janeway's crew have not only suffered for their sins, they have given back to Starfleet."

The moment of silence was somewhat diminished by Tom's whispers of "Come on! Come on! No! Okay—wait, where do I wanna go now?"

"Ice-cream Palace!" Peanut hissed in Tom's ear. "Don't go to the skiing mountain, you're not ready to battle Santa's reindeer yet,"

Neither of them noticed that the entire courtroom was staring at them. B'Elanna smacked her face with her hand.

"Objection!" a Starfleet lieutenant shouted, pointing to the judge and Birdman. "The Maquis aboard Voyager mutinied against the captain's orders on several occasions! If I may roll a tape please,"

Mentok, leaning his face on one hand like he was about to fall asleep, snapped his fingers and a TV appeared in front of them with a VCR player. "Go ahead Mr…"

"Lt. Joe Carry."

"Carrey!" Janeway bolted forward, leaning out of her booth. "You traitor! Actually, aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Ignoring her, Carry played his tape.

The first shot was of B'Elanna breaking his nose in engineering.

Next, Janeway in sickbay telling Chakotay, "Make this alliance with the Borg work," before passing out. Chakotay then slammed a button on the wall, opening an airlock and blowing all the Borg drones onboard into space.

Then Janeway and Chakotay running out of a cargo bay, slamming the doors behind them. "Don't save that enemy crewmen," Janeway ordered him, "he's evil!" Chakotay tore into the cargo bay, shot the attacking aliens, and rushed back out dragging a scowling Daffy Duck (in "Duck Dodgers" gear).

Finally, Chakotay leading a Mutiny, the crew waving cutlasses as Janeway walked the plank into outer space.

"Serving Starfleet indeed." Carry said while his tape went to static.

Harvey and Janeway opened their mouths to protest ,but Mentok banged his brain hammer. "Lunch break! Meet back here in an hour." He set an opened tin lunch box on his desk, and floated inside like a genie into a lamp. The box shut and spun in the air, evil music playing, then popped out of existence.


	3. I Call To The Stand

I do not own "Harvey Birdman" or "Star Trek: Voyager."

* * *

"Your move Reducto."

Harvey and Reducto sat in a McDonald's across the street from the courthouse. As they munched their burgers, they played a futuristic chess game, involving miniature holo-monsters that combated each other.

"Reducto?" laughed Tom, who sat heckling the game. "You're name's-" he snickered, "What kind of name's—"

"Silence!" Reducto brandished his gun. "Or feel the wrath of my shrink ray!"

Tom's lips sealed. Nervously, he crossed his legs, and began to discreetly scoot his chair away from the table.

"I warn you Birdman," Reducto said, in his nasally voice, "I have every single episode of Yu-Gi-Oh! Stored in this colossal brain. I was a Duel Monsters champion before you were even born! …or were you hatched?" Reducto was honestly confused. "I mean, you're Birdman, so did you just get those bird wings when you became a superhero, or were you always part bird, or what?"

"Birdman, what the hell are you doing here?" Captain Janeway was towering over them. "Are you fraternizing with the enemy?"

"Who said that?" Reducto whirled around, shrink-ray at the ready. "If it's that two-inch tall detective again…I can't STAND people who are smaller than I am!"

"Captain," Harvey explained to Janeway, "Reducto and I are good friends. We're only rivals on a professional level."

"Exactly the opposite of Commander Chakotay and Mr. Paris," Janeway mused. "Well then, that's settled. Anyway, I came here to tell you that we've got a few more witnesses coming in. Though I'd rather not mention them in front of…"

Harvey sighed. "Reducto, would you mind?"

"No, no," Reducto shook his head. "Not at all. My pleasure."

He pointed his shrink ray at the Captain and Harvey, and held down on the trigger, shooting them with a beam of light. When they were both the size of Double-A batteries, Reducto turned off the shrink ray, and then turned an empty paper cut over them. Now, Harvey and Janeway could speak privately.

"Thanks, pal." Came Harvey's muffled voice.

….And the scene changed with the bang of a hammer.

* * *

Everyone was back in the courtroom, with the addition of some new witnesses. Peter Potamus, sat at an old-fashioned typewriter, recording the trial's proceedings.

Harvey (now his normal size) glanced around the silent room. "Your Honor, if I may,"

"Go ahead." Mentok was floating upside down over his stand, buried in a Mad Magazine.

"Very well. With that, I'd like to call to the stand Lt. B'Elanna Torres."

Tom took their daughter, who was chewing on a squeaking tribble she'd picked up somewhere, and B'Elanna stood up to go to the stand.

"B'Elanna Torres?" Mentok suddenly looked up from his Mad Magazine. He spun right side up and laughed. "They called you 'B'Nanna Torrid' in here!" he pointed to the magazine.

Harvey and Reducto had to hold the snarling half-Klingon back, as she swung punches at the judge.

"What'd they call me?" Tom asked eagerly. "Did I get a funny name?"

Montok cleared his throat, tossed the magazine behind him, and whipped out his brain hammer. "Your testimony, Lt.?"

B'Elanna sighed viciously, and sat down next to the judge's stand. "Well, as you can see, Tom and I just had a baby. And if you don't think being pregnant with a kid who's part Klingon—" baby Miral's tribble let out a last, loud squeak as she ripped in half, "…was enough of a sentence for my blotched past, then well…You don't know what it's like, to be expecting a daughter, not knowing if she'll ever meet her grandparents. Not knowing if she'll get assimilated by the Borg, or get blown up by a deranged captain from the future….I think after all we've suffered through, the jury could allow Tom and I a quiet life with our little Miral."

Harvey sniffed. "Beautifully spoken. And now-"

"The mutiny tape!" Joe Carry reminded everyone.

"—and now, if I may call to the stand, a witness who has seen _first hand_the heroic actions in the Delta Quadrant of the accused. I call to the stand Miss Seven of Nine."

The Z-key on Peter Potamus's typewriter went flying off with a loud _sproing!  
_  
"Thank you Mr. Birdman." The ex-drone, wearing her blue catsuit today, came to the stand. "I shall start with Commander Chakotay." As she spoke, Peter Potamus leaned over his desk at her, his front legs waving uncontrollably. She pushed him away without stopping her speech. "He is the one who severed me from the Borg Collective. Were it not for his actions, I would still be a prisoner to the Borg's hive mind, with no individual identity. Lt. Tom Paris," (she punched Potamus in the jaw, sending him into the wall, his binoculars spinning in the air like a football) "…helped me explore my humanity with his humorous holonovles. Lt. Torres…" Seven found herself at a speaker's block; she and Torres had always had a subtle rivalry.

"Ha!" Reducto pointed with his shrink ray. "She can't think of anything admirable to say about Torres! They're guilty!"

Seven finished quickly, "Lt. Torres never once unleashed her Klingon rage at me, despite our mutual dislike. A daunting task for someone with such a temper. As for the rest of the Maquis..." (Potamus was now behind her with a large, old-fashioned camera. Without looking back Seven stuck him with her assimilation tubes. The perverted hippo yelped, and swayed on the spot as Borg implants and tubes erupted around his face.) "…They may have accepted Starfleet regulations reluctantly, I would not know because I was not yet a member of the crew then, but I have seen these crewmen get killed off like flies in the background while us main characters survived all manner of bizarre injuries, just as any good Starfleet extras would. I would also like to add that the times Chakotay, Torres, or Paris rebelled against the captain's orders were almost always when Janeway was being an idiot."

"And what've you to say to that, Captian?" Harvey turned to Janeway.

The captain grumbled, "On days when I don't get my coffee I'm no good to anyone."

"Then our witness has spoken the truth!" Harvey finished. "Thank you, Mrs. Of Nine."

"They're starting to sound all right to me," Geordie La Forge whispered in the jury stand, to the head of his best friend Data.

Reducto shot Geordie an annoyed glance. "And now for my next witness!"

The court waited. Reducto shifted his eyes nervously.

"Well?" Mentok fiddled his hammer back and forth between his fingers.

(Peter Potamus stumbled past the judge, staring ahead blankly, muttering "Resistance is futile.")

"I uh…I have another witness…" In fact, Reducto didn't have any witness prepared. But what could he do? Forfeit the case to an opponent ,who himself had never won a trial unless the judge was on his side? How embarrassing that would be! "YOU!" Reducto pointed suddenly to the giant space slug, in the jury. "What's your name?"

The giant space slug gurgled a response. Looking around to see that everyone else was just as baffled by the slug's language, Reducto said, "Perfect. Why don't you explain what you saw from the Witness Stand Mr…" the slug roared another revolting sound. "…um…well….give us your testimony Sir!"

"Let's hear it Mr. Slug," Mentok said, "What dirt have you got on these people?"

The space slug roared at the ceiling, and took an enormous bite out of the judge's stand.

" 'They ravaged the galaxy like space slugs!'" Reducto translated triumphantly. "They're scum! Case closed."

"Not so fast, the jury must reach a verdict." Montok yawned.

"What? Why? Normally you just bang that brain hammer whenever you feel like ending the trail, and make some witty wisecrack like, 'He's got his teepee back' or 'He's showing everyone where he keeps his nuts!' That's what you did with the squirrel,"

"I know, but these Starfleet people or whatever want us to do it all a special way." Mentok rolled his eyes. "So. Jury, go away and come back when you've reached your decision, or whatever." He waved his hammer. "Jury dismissed!"

_Bang!_


	4. Punishment Enough

I do not own "Harvey Birdman" or "Star Trek: Voyager."

* * *

The jury clamored back into the courtroom. Harvey and Reducto stood at the front doing their best to look calm and professional, although both were sweating slightly, kept glancing and each other, and muttering insults.

"…._Well at least none of my witnesses heads put dents in the ceiling_!" Harvey was referring to the space slug.

Reducto responded by raising the shrink ray behind his own back and zapping Harvey, reducing his height by a few inches.

Geordi La Forge stood up. "The jury has reached our verdict."

No one spoke. A drum roll began…

…and was cut short by the judge.

"So what? Are they guilty or not? I want this thing over with, I'm missing 'Adult Swim.'"

"Your Honor," Harvey began, "This is 'Adult Swim',"

"Zzz!" Mentok zipped his mouth shut (literally making a zipper appear) at Harvey.

Geordie went on. "We've decided that while Voyager's Maquis crewmembers probably don't deserve it, the Federation must uphold the law and sentence them to five years each of watching reruns of the prequel series _Enterprise_—"

Janeway choked on her coffee and her crewmembers gasped, except for Tom.

"Sweet, we can make fun of the cheesy episodes every day, like on 'Mystery Science Theater 3000'!"

"All right, so they're guilty." Mentok banged his hammer.

"Your Honor," Seven stood up. "I must protest." She turned to the jury. "By showing compassion to criminals who've already served their sentences lost in space, fighting the Borg, enduring visits from Q, and saving the universe from Species 8472, the United Federation of Planets will be setting an example of the justice and values it stands for…"

The strait females and gay males in the jury listened to Seven, but her speech wasn't what was captivated the rest of the jury.

"T'Oh, make up your minds!" the judge groaned.

"Perhaps we should change our verdict," Colonel Kira (the grumpy Bajoran woman from _Deep Space Nine_) decided.

The rest of the jury nodded and voiced their agreement.

"Yes!" Harvey shot a fist into the air.

"What?" Reducto exclaimed. "They're just agreeing with her because of her implants!"

He shot his shrink ray at Seven's chest and only released his hold on the trigger when her breasts were normal sized. If Seven noticed any of this, she failed to show it. Immediately, the mesmerized men and two bi women (the band Tatu was one of the alien species in the Federation and were at the hearing) came blinking back to Earth, or whatever planet this trial was taking place on.

"No, they're criminals." Commander Worf stated seriously. "They must be punished."

"Being lost isn't that bad is it?" Geordie said.

"Saved them from the Dominion War!" someone else added.

"Sooo they're guilty again?" The green judge was leaning back with his face on one hand, and twirled his hammer in the other.

The purple hawk flew in with a caw, and perched on a bench next to Harvey. "We lost again, Avenger," Harvey told the bird sadly.

Janeway took Chakotay's arm, her head hanging. "I'll visit you in jail, friend."

"As will I." said Seven.

"And me!" It was Neelix. "I'll be sure to drop by to say hello to ALL of you, every single day! Isn't that great? Maybe I can get a job as a chef in the prison, then we'll see each other all the time! I don't think anyone's tried my leola root tribble soup yet! We're gonna be together forever, I could just sing! _I love you, you hate me, we're a happy family…_"

"What in the name of the Prophets is that?" Kira demanded, looking at Neelix with revulsion.

The entire jury was baffled and horrified.

"This is Neelix." Janeway said, every syllable filled with loathing. "He's been with our crew since day one, and didn't leave the ship until a few weeks before we returned home. Even after we thought we'd gotten rid of him, he still called us to make sure we got our daily dose of annoyance."

The jury was gasping with horror and making comments to one another.

"I didn't know that part!"

"Those poor people, having to put up with that thing, he seems almost as bad as Jar Jar Binks!"

"He's worse than Wesley!"

The jury got into a huddle and discussed it. After a minute or so, Geordie turned back to the front. "Judge Mentok?"

"I'm still here."

"We have decided to change our verdict. We believe the accused have already paid for their crimes with the torment of seven years with this, this Neelix thing. We hereby clear Janeway's crew of all charges."

"Okay you're innocent." Mentok banged his hammer. "Congrads, you can go home! Case closed."

There was cheering from Janeway's crew. Joe Carry scowled and Picard sipped his tea with a disapproving look.

"Blast!" Reducto threw down his shrink ray in disgust. "Well, better luck next time. I congratulate you, Birdman." He turned and shook his friend's hand.

"I won! This is the third time I've actually won a case!" Harvey hugged Neelix. "Thank you!"

Neelix hugged him back, choking him. Harvey turned blue until Avenger swooped down to the rescue, and pecked Neelix until he released Harvey.

"Okay I mean it," Mentok said over the commotion. "Go home. I wanna leave. G'won, scat. Before the jury changes their minds again."

This got the crew going. People were quickly heading out the door. Janeway stayed behind.

"I want to thank you for your help, Birdman."

"It's what I do, Captain. As a defender of justice—"

One of the Maquis crewmen poked her head back in though the doors. "Starbucks is giving away free samples of some blueberry stuff!"

"COFFEE? WHERE?" Janeway was gone in a blur.

Peter Potamus thumped past Harvey and Avenger, following the crowd. "_Resistance…futile_…"

And if this were a real episode of either Star Trek or Harvey Birdman, the theme song and credits would now play.

The end.


End file.
